Rossmore: All the conclusions agree there is no way to predict love, much less guarantee it. I’m sorry, you’ve never online dated?Susan: No, what’s the big deal?Roberto: You can’t win a case over something you know nothing about.Denise: We need to get you online. So Zorro decides when it plays and when it doesn’t.Nick: So your car is possessed by Tiffany.Susan: Basically. Okay? [last lines; as they walk out of the court building]Susan: So what do we do now? So Zorro decides when it plays and when it doesn’t.Nick: So your car is possessed by Tiffany.Susan: Basically. [during one of her online dates]Susan: So, intermittent fasting, huh?Intermittent Faster: Yeah. Denise: Never stopped me. The score itself a little less so: It’s the one gesture that tends to overstate the movie’s charms. Susan: So, tell me about your date with Nick Evans.Hipster Barista: The date was fine, but I knew he wasn’t for me. Susan: Nick, I don’t think that we should see each other right now. It was great. All kinds.Susan: What? Jerome: Hey, Donna. So I assume that this lawsuit is on the up and up. I do like old dogs better than puppies. [as Susan walks into office looking happy]Roberto: Is she choking?Denise: I think that was a giggle.Roberto: She sounds like I do after a second Ambien. Nick said, hogwash. But I did! Don’t you have faith in anything good in this world?Nick: Sure. Arianna: I’m sorry how things ended with us. Susan: “The one who needed a date to her sister’s wedding.”Nick: Yeah, two tickets to Hawaii seemed kind of extra for date numero dos.Susan: “The one who got drunk and tried to fight the busboy?”Nick: For the record? Home trending Here's Why Actress Kandyse McClure From 'Love, Guaranteed' Looks So Familiar trending Here's Why Actress Kandyse McClure From 'Love, Guaranteed' Looks So … What is it? It’s why you hired me, isn’t it?Nick: Yeah.Susan: Then let me do what I know is right for both of us, okay?Nick: Cool. She has character, and principles, and a sense of common decency.Susan: Thank you. Really got to read it carefully. Like a little avocado. And it can burn you. Intercutting the newbie’s exploits in the online dating world with her deposing of some of Nick’s 986 dates goofily teases the highs and lows — but mostly lows — of the dating game. He’s all about being honest. [they kiss]. If we don’t leave now, we’re naming our baby after the freeway she was born on!Gideo: I-90 is a terrible name. | That she’d bring him everywhere. Like you. All kinds.Susan: What? [as the valet is bringing her car, they hear [“I Think We Are Alone Now” by Tiffany] Nick: You really went in on that song, didn’t you?Susan: The tape is actually stuck in the player.Nick: Right.Susan: Has been since the ’80s. It’s not hard, but it’s much better than the fake poster couple we have now.Nick: I knew it! It’s a vicious circle.Nick: Um, “cycle”.Susan: What?Nick: “It’s a vicious cycle.” That’s the saying.Susan: No, it’s “vicious circle”.Nick: Vicious circle? What if I get hurt again?Arianna: There are no guarantees in love, Nick. [during his date]Pam: Seriously, could this menu have more shellfish on it? I need to focus on the case, it’s my priority.Nick: Is that what you want?Susan: We can’t always do what we want. Now everyone here knows that that language is legally binding. She needs a windfall. You ever been dipped in an Argentine tango? This is an awkward conversation.Nick: Well, then it’s both. [referring to her being uptight]Susan: The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is I check my phone. Melanie: Excuse me while I drop my decaf in slow motion. This little do-gooder crusader for justice attitude, it might impress your clients, but it doesn’t do anything for me.Well, luckily, we are not here to talk about me. Love Guaranteed took advantage of them too. A former baseball player, Nick wants to sue the online dating service Love, Guaranteed. Answer e-mails before I even get out of bed. In launching her own practice, Susan’s gone without the creature comforts some women enjoy. Then I get back in bed, with my phone, and it starts over again. Toilet paper. Even with some nicely understated moments from the leads, the Netflix film is decidedly slight, easy-on-the-noggin entertainment. More with your time management than anything.Nick: Yeah? She’s never MIA.Roberto: First she takes yesterday off to spend time with a baby, who isn’t even a client, and now she’s late?Denise: Should we put out an amber alert?Roberto: I want to see her name on buses by noon. Love isn’t something you can just guarantee. Nick: Uh, check your left hand. Anything that sounds too good to be true on the internet is a lie.Susan: I have noticed that. Nick: I want to sue Love Guaranteed.Susan: The dating website?Nick: Mm-hmm.Susan: Okay. Susan: [in court] What price would you pay to find love? You know. [as they are standing by the elevator doors]Susan: [whispers] Are they staring at us? Gideon: I can’t find the car keys. It’s super good for you. Susan: That’s the problem, I don’t want to pump the brakes. Go to the office all day. Okay, sorry. [to Jerome after Susan tells him they should stop seeing each other]Nick: Looks like I sunk. [referring to the photo of Nick’s ex-fiancée, Arianna]Denise: She was not one of the thousand dates.Susan: Nope. Susan: He’s got the whole cute grumpy old man thing going on.Nick: That’s true. It’s my way of saying, “Goodbye. [referring to her past relationships]Nick: There had to be someone.Susan: Well, I mean, of course there was someone. Love, Guaranteed is a simple no frills 90s-era romantic comedy throwback with two charming leads, a basic premise and not a lot of ridiculous subplots and conveniences to drag the movie out. Zorro is a vigilante, who tracks down ruthless villains.Nick: A lot tougher than she looks, huh?Susan: Yeah. We thought we were going to get married, have kids, dogs, the whole thing. Professionally.Nick: “Professionally.”Susan: I’m sorry I ruined your date, okay?Nick: No, it’s okay. It’s going to make me look so good on social media. [to Jerome after Susan tells him they should stop seeing each other]Nick: Looks like I sunk. Arianna: When I spoke to Mr. Jones, about being a witness, I did mention that I thought Nick was licking his wounds. No.Nick: Yep. It’s not hard, but it’s much better than the fake poster couple we have now.Nick: I knew it! For those of you who appreciate the ways in which a classic car can declare something about a character’s personality, perk up: Susan’s car of choice is a foxy Karmann Ghia. Isn’t that dangerous, or…Intermittent Faster: No. [after Susan arrives at the same restaurant that Nick is having his date]Intermittent Faster: May I purchase you a drink?Susan: What are you even doing here? Those inspirational fridge magnets, they have such tiny fine print. I had to make sure that you weren’t intentionally tanking the dates.Nick: You were spying on me.Susan: No!Nick: Yeah, you were.Susan: No! Almost anything, right? Napkins. The shared fate of Susan Whitaker and Nick Evans — played by Rachel Leigh Cook and Damon Wayans Jr. — is all but assured by director Mark Steven Johnson’s pretty much by-the-numbers take. [referring to her pregnancy]Melanie: Where’s my glowing? So I assume that this lawsuit is on the up and up. Denise: For a debriefing.Roberto: Heyo! Were you threatened on a date?   |  'We can't always do what we want. Susan: My brother-in-law might be an actual saint.Melanie: Saint Gideon did not miraculously fall from the sky like frozen airplane toilet water. [as the valet is bringing her car, they hear [“I Think We Are Alone Now” by Tiffany] Nick: You really went in on that song, didn’t you?Susan: The tape is actually stuck in the player.Nick: Right.Susan: Has been since the ’80s. Indiewire Still, her penchant for turning paying clients into pro bono projects means bills are stacking up and her two supportive employees are concerned. See more Love, Guaranteed Quotes [after reading Nick’s next online date’s profile]Susan: She seems adorable. I’m not proud of it, but I did learn from it. Rossmore: Well I have a PhD in Psychology, and I teach human behavior and the sciences at the university. Nick: Love Guaranteed is robbing people of twenty-nine ninety-nine a month with their slogan, “You’ll find love, guaranteed.” Well, I’ve been on nine hundred and eighty-six dates, and not one of them has provided me love. I’m not like, “Hey, guy’s got to eat.” I’m not doing that. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick's feelings for each other. But listen, I am proofing it first. The film is about the relationship that emerges between the duo as they sue the company for false advertising. He’s exploiting this company over a tiny detail in the fine print.Melanie: Interesting case.Susan: Ridiculous case. Sister Melanie (Caitlin Howden), also her next-door neighbor, has a doting husband, a not-as-sweet-as-he-looks young’un and a baby on the way. I have a 9 AM appointment. Melanie: My contractions are five minutes apart. You know, if you’re into the whole supermodel thing.Roberto: Everyone is.Denise: Most people are. [referring to the photo of Nick’s ex-fiancée, Arianna]Denise: She was not one of the thousand dates.Susan: Nope. The movie follows a lawyer who takes a case against a dating web site that guarantees love, but she ends up with a much bigger win. Roberto. We’re walking in the same direction?